So, my little baby alchemists, what is it we are supposed to be ingesting into our brains today?
The leaves are turning, the weather is cooling, people are frantically vacationing, quick, before it's cold again, hup, there goes another pair of bicyclists zipping by down below me, commenting on the log house next door, always a crowd pleaser.
I'm just pleased as punch that the part-timers down below me have honored my polite request to turn their porch lights off at night when they are done with them. Makes my outdoor sleeping experience infinitely more enjoyable.
My housemate couldn't sleep last night and spent awhile lying out in the backyard counting shooting stars around 2 am. That's another reason I admire her.
My latest ponder, besides how to retire early and direct my favorite play instead, is about Love, definitely with the capital to accentuate it from the everyday variety that we try and practice on everyone. Yesterday I realized that I have no choice in the matter, I simply Love where I Love and love where I love and don't love where I don't. I can try and pay better attention to where I don't, and that makes things more interesting, but doesn't necessarily change my emotions. I don't seem to have a choice, I can't make myself care for someone, just because they have expressed an interest in me. And, likewise, and more painfully, I can't seem to turn the emotion off when it is highly inconvenient and inappropriate to feel so. On the other hand, how can Love ever be inappropriate? Because, as I am quickly discovering, I would, and do, go to great lengths (or at least they feel like great lengths to me) to leave well enough alone and practice unrequited Love. Not very satisfying, but again, seemingly necessary and the no-choice thing. I don't want to be a hermit and a nun for the duration of this lifetime, but at this point in time, I need my quiet and my abstinence to ponder this situation. How did this happen? Why did it happen? I was just going along, dabbling in trying to meet kindred souls, but mostly just enjoying my solitary life, when boom, I get whomped upside the heart before I even see it coming. Life changed, seemingly irrevocably, in a matter of hours.
And, upsetting as it is, painful even, it is perversely joyful and wonderful. Make that "full of wonder". There are, I admit, many moments when I feel the fool ~ babbling to myself at the end of the dock, hoping that my feelings are transmitted like prayers to make the object of my affections feel...something, some good thing that will enhance his existence in some way, that probably doesn't have anything to do with MY earthly existence.
I have no wish to wallow in this. I have a life to lead, much to pursue and learn, not apart from, but alongside this new awareness. I cannot help but question the future in regards to this attraction I feel almost constantly (it can be exhausting, I love to sleep a lot lately) but questioning appears to be a complete waste of time. Much better to just get on with the continual awareness of Love and how it can be utilized to make the world around me a more loving place.
Now that I have discovered how unconscious I have been for forty years, I am allowed a glimpse of the immeasurable possibilities of awareness still to strive for.
May those shooting stars appear visible to us, and may our wishes upon them unfold for us all.
Loving Necessarily,
Roseamber
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