Hmmm, it's kind of cool that there were no comments on my last posting. I'm assuming that's because nobody is reading this thing, so I can write with impunity, for myself. Andy's not in jail, by the way, if anyone is listening.
I'm writing this on a Saturday morning. Mornings are angsty for me, especially lately. Last night I had a dream about my old family, the way it was: me the wife, Kevin the husband and three younger children. We were in Anacortes and Kevin assumed I knew that we were going to spend the night in order to go to some festival the next day. I didn't know and I'd already made one ferry trip back home to get some money, but I still thought we were coming back home that night, so hadn't brought stuff to spend the night with. Wandering around a dimly lit hotel with lots of stairs, looking for the rest of the family, but lagging behind because of dashing home again. It looked more like a medieval castle than a hotel and there was one brightly lit conference room where people came in and sat for a presentation on how to stay there. I woke up, I think it was getting too boring. But one thought from reading A Fault in Our Stars yesterday stayed with me about my marriage in the dream: true love means keeping your promises. Hence, angst. Guilt over my divorce doesn't strike me too often anymore, but I think lately it has to do with wishing I were in relationship, wanting another chance at that. At least I'm clear about that wish. And even the kind of person I'd want to be with. But I know I have to be prepared for that not happening, ever again in this lifetime. To go ahead and build my life by myself. Or with friends. I am an introvert, but I do need and want relationships. The right kind, though I realize all are messy, and not perfect all the time. Oh yes, I've had plenty of time to contemplate that, just maybe not enough practice.
Sitting outside, cat on top of my forearms, playing Scrabble, birds singing, fresh cool morning air. No lawn mowers. No work today. Life could be worse. I've found a couple of really good players, hard to beat. Flirting through Scrabble is quite a challenge though. But at least you know you are dealing with brainy people.
The other thing I woke up regretting is that I never made it to my friends' organic berry farm all season. They are closed now. I did manage to put a couple of humpies in the freezer, so there's a little bit of harvesting. Just a tad though. It is a human trait to wish to accomplish...something I think my dad really misses as a frail 92 year old. He can't do too much anymore and it bothers. Things shrink down to just getting dressed or getting that oxygen bottle filled or eating a meal without dropping it in your lap.
I'm taking him to a puppet show tomorrow. There are art studios open all over the island this weekend. But I'm more inclined to stay home and do my own clean up kind of art. We'll see what the day brings. "Leave the doors open...prepare for great love."
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