Hello,
I awoke with Mr. Loneliness next to me, as usual lately. I said hello politely and got out of bed to make a cup of tea, feed the cats and think.
I left my marriage in its twelfth year, when we were both young at heart still, with small children. I went on to live with Jeff, the love of my life, who passed away a very short time later. My husband remarried and they have been together now longer than he and I were. We are cordial now, after the pain of raising our children in separate households, but not close.
I never got to experience that point in a marriage that all long time successful couples can tell you of: the sweetness of old love, the having gone through trials, difficulties and doubts, and coming out the other side to true companionship and lasting love. I'm sad about that, but still hopeful, ever hopeful. I will die hopeful, and that's not a bad thing.
I live in a biggish house alone on the beautiful south end of Lopez Island. I've tried internet dating, I've been in a few short relationships which didn't pan out. Some are still friends, for which I am grateful. I am not given to long bouts of self pity and I do know that the key to combating loneliness is not to fight it and to seek connection with what's right there: animals, trees and children, friends and art: whether it be good books or memorizing lines, or digging in the garden kind of art.
But I think something must be shifted from this living alone. Human companionship is key to my personal happiness. I enjoy and thrive on the simple daily connections between people. I love and need my alone time, but I have created quite a secure and discrete cocoon for myself here and it is not serving me well.
I have had experiences with "bad" roommates, and relationships gone sour. Pride and hurt have helped to isolate me now where I am: proud that I make enough money to be able to scrape by on my own, and fear that I might make another mistake and find myself hurting or being hurt again in the 'wrong relationship'.
I do not pretend to know what's next. I hope it is enough today to have woken up and acknowledged this and set it down. I want more meaningful connections and I know I must do my part. I daydream a lot about retirement: when I'm retired I can wear old clothes and volunteer more and be freer with my time, join the garden club, be on the water in my rowboat, get really involved with projects, see people more, etc. But then where will the money come from? I would need to downsize, have less need for money. I would, in short, need more meaningful connections with people, which I would like to nurture now, before this seeming myth of retirement.
Take my rowboat, for example. It sits in the backyard under a tarp. It is heavy and I don't have a trailer for it. It hasn't been in the water for a couple of years. I have spent time getting it painted and fixed up, but it needs more. At one time, some friends expressed interest in sharing it with me, but they live on the north end and were able to get a boat of their own. I miss them, and I miss the fact that I don't get out on the water. I feel like a failure in that department.
On the other hand, I do try. My friend Charley, says to look closely when you use the word "try". You either do it or you don't. Try to pick up the pebble. Either you do or you don't, you don't try. I'm not too sure I buy this completely, as putting energy in a direction, as I am doing right now, isn't success exactly, but progress: like trying to start a garden. You may get the dirt mixed and the seeds in, but then nothing comes up. You tried, didn't you? (witness my fear here of planting barren seeds!).
What should I do? I fight between the slow reality of life: needing to go to work and spend whole days there for the better part of each week and then needing to go home and do laundry, clean the space I live in, cook for myself, rest, only to get up and do it again and the growing need I have to share my life more. Instead I feel more insulated and isolated. My kids are grown and I don't connect with them daily, my dad is very old and I see him as often as possible, these are my closest loves, besides this silly old kitty who wants to sleep on top of my arms as I type this.
I count my blessings, all the time, there are many of them. I look for ways to be of service. I witness myself when I put myself down for failure or lack and work on reversing that thinking and seeing a larger picture, one that includes joy and acceptance, and most of all: Love.
Thanks for listening. We are all connected, it just takes the opening of our hearts to feel it and act on it.
Written with gratitude and hope on this new day...
Rosie
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
First Day of November
Been awhile...I think it's important to keep writing, as I love reading what others are thinking and doing, it helps me figure out the world and my preferred place in it. But I keep forgetting to come here and do it.
I just finished voting, hope everyone remembers to do that. On a transAtlantic flight recently I sat next to a nice young guy from Belgium who was flying home to vote! He says it's mandatory there. If you don't vote as a Belgium citizen, there's a hefty fine! What do you all think? Should we be fined for not voting? That'd be a switch from all the controversy about having to have photo ID, and the efforts by some evil groups to prevent US folks from voting...
My cat is purring on top of me, it is still dark outside. Last night was Halloween, but no kids come this far south to trick or treat. There are things about Halloween I really like: the whimsy of costuming, the glow of a pumpkin lantern, roasted pumpkin seeds.
But now it is November and the holiday season is nearly upon us. I just finished going to Italy for two weeks. It was a big accomplishment! And, I loved it there, as I was pretty certain I would. The food is excellent everywhere, no GMOs in Italy! But I didn't expect it to be so light and delicate: even the pastas and cheeses and desserts: portions just right, usually homemade.
I loved Assisi, home of St. Francis and St. Clare and their peaceful loving legacies. Cortona, made famous by Frances Mayes, was also lovely, as was the inimitable Venice! What a trip that city is! Part of me feels like I got away with something: going to Italy, even if only for a very short time. How did I pull it off -- the tickets, the travel, the time, the money, the effort? Traveling is valuable in so many ways. There are some who start and never stop. I consider them the pilgrims of the world and hope I can host them when they make it to Lopez.
I want to travel again soon, though maybe just close by. To Haida Gwaii, or Vancouver Island or Eastern Washington, or just walking on Shaw...
The next adventure for me is school. I've just sent my tuition payment in to attend a six month course in advanced certification in Orthopedic massage techniques. This will take place in Port Townsend, where I went to massage school ten years ago. Much has changed: the school is in a new, not so picturesque location, new ownership too. And one of my best beloved teachers has passed away recently: Doug Daniels, a lovely man, partially blind from birth, who became a friend as well as a mentor. He came and worked with me on Lopez: we treated a dying man together, it was a profound experience. He helped build the woodshed I have in my backyard. He called our deep tissue class, the "deep issue" class and I will miss having him as my friend and teacher. It occurs to me that he will probably still be an influence on my work, even from beyond the veil. I love you, Doug.
My favorite current read is A World Made By Hand by James Howard Kunstler. It is a dystopian novel about what happens a few years hence after the greed for oil has caused other countries to bomb the hell out of us and the few remaining communities are on their own. Sounds depressing but it isn't entirely and the scariest thing is that it seems very plausible as a possible future. I'm listening to it on audio, my favorite way to go with books I'm hesitant to start.
My wish for this winter is for more community and personal fellowship with my fellow man. Right now my main connection when I'm at home, is through the computer. Work supplies my daily dose of one-on-one, but I try to see people outside of work as much as I can. The hearth often calls me home to build the fires, cook the meals, pet the cats and other solitary undertakings. I want this recent trip to Europe and the things I learned there to change me. So I will continue to learn Italian, write to others through this blog and personal letters, reach out and invite people into my personal space.
I wish the same for all of you (well, maybe not the Italian part, but do talk and think in other languages as often as you can, our lives here in the U.S. are not as diverse as those in Europe and elsewhere where other cultures are closer by). May you be filled with the warmth and light and generosity of the holiday spirit as we near the winter solstice and brave the new challenges that this world is bringing us. I hold all the storm victims in my heart and hope for the powers that be to make it easier to see that we must change, and accept the consequences of our global greed on our fellow beings.
Ciao and love, Rosie
I just finished voting, hope everyone remembers to do that. On a transAtlantic flight recently I sat next to a nice young guy from Belgium who was flying home to vote! He says it's mandatory there. If you don't vote as a Belgium citizen, there's a hefty fine! What do you all think? Should we be fined for not voting? That'd be a switch from all the controversy about having to have photo ID, and the efforts by some evil groups to prevent US folks from voting...
My cat is purring on top of me, it is still dark outside. Last night was Halloween, but no kids come this far south to trick or treat. There are things about Halloween I really like: the whimsy of costuming, the glow of a pumpkin lantern, roasted pumpkin seeds.
But now it is November and the holiday season is nearly upon us. I just finished going to Italy for two weeks. It was a big accomplishment! And, I loved it there, as I was pretty certain I would. The food is excellent everywhere, no GMOs in Italy! But I didn't expect it to be so light and delicate: even the pastas and cheeses and desserts: portions just right, usually homemade.
I loved Assisi, home of St. Francis and St. Clare and their peaceful loving legacies. Cortona, made famous by Frances Mayes, was also lovely, as was the inimitable Venice! What a trip that city is! Part of me feels like I got away with something: going to Italy, even if only for a very short time. How did I pull it off -- the tickets, the travel, the time, the money, the effort? Traveling is valuable in so many ways. There are some who start and never stop. I consider them the pilgrims of the world and hope I can host them when they make it to Lopez.
I want to travel again soon, though maybe just close by. To Haida Gwaii, or Vancouver Island or Eastern Washington, or just walking on Shaw...
The next adventure for me is school. I've just sent my tuition payment in to attend a six month course in advanced certification in Orthopedic massage techniques. This will take place in Port Townsend, where I went to massage school ten years ago. Much has changed: the school is in a new, not so picturesque location, new ownership too. And one of my best beloved teachers has passed away recently: Doug Daniels, a lovely man, partially blind from birth, who became a friend as well as a mentor. He came and worked with me on Lopez: we treated a dying man together, it was a profound experience. He helped build the woodshed I have in my backyard. He called our deep tissue class, the "deep issue" class and I will miss having him as my friend and teacher. It occurs to me that he will probably still be an influence on my work, even from beyond the veil. I love you, Doug.
My favorite current read is A World Made By Hand by James Howard Kunstler. It is a dystopian novel about what happens a few years hence after the greed for oil has caused other countries to bomb the hell out of us and the few remaining communities are on their own. Sounds depressing but it isn't entirely and the scariest thing is that it seems very plausible as a possible future. I'm listening to it on audio, my favorite way to go with books I'm hesitant to start.
My wish for this winter is for more community and personal fellowship with my fellow man. Right now my main connection when I'm at home, is through the computer. Work supplies my daily dose of one-on-one, but I try to see people outside of work as much as I can. The hearth often calls me home to build the fires, cook the meals, pet the cats and other solitary undertakings. I want this recent trip to Europe and the things I learned there to change me. So I will continue to learn Italian, write to others through this blog and personal letters, reach out and invite people into my personal space.
I wish the same for all of you (well, maybe not the Italian part, but do talk and think in other languages as often as you can, our lives here in the U.S. are not as diverse as those in Europe and elsewhere where other cultures are closer by). May you be filled with the warmth and light and generosity of the holiday spirit as we near the winter solstice and brave the new challenges that this world is bringing us. I hold all the storm victims in my heart and hope for the powers that be to make it easier to see that we must change, and accept the consequences of our global greed on our fellow beings.
Ciao and love, Rosie
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